What I had planned for this morning:
Waking up at the beach and watching the sun come up while drinking coffee.
What actually happned this morning:
Woke up by my child at regular time in our home after vacation abruptly ended last night and we pulled into our driveway at 2 am this morning. Still drinking coffee. Getting ready to go grab my second cup because this day isn't going to happen without it.
Why it's the way it is:
We have a family tradition of taking this trip to the beach each year. It started when I was young with a trip to South Padre Island and since then we've been all up and down the Texas coast from South Padre Island to Galveston Island. Of course as our family grew, so did the number of people going. I can think of two years where I didn't go. One was when I was 8 months pregnant with Saida and the other was the year after the big family fight from seven years ago.
I won't go into the details, but basically the result of what happened was that I had minimal contact with my mom for about a year and basically zero positive contact with my dad. I survived off Tyler, Eli Young band's Life At Best album, and the stronger bond forming with my brother and his family. I cried a lot of tears in this year and it taught me to remain calm (or appear calm) in the face of irrational anger. I got really good at it actually.
Very similar circumstances led to Tyler and I choosing to remove our family from this year's family vacation only mid way through. The fight was not my fight, but my children as witnesses to hateful language is something I have control over. As their mom my single option was to load them into the car at 10pm and remove them from the home we all stay in together.
I'm not sure what our foreseeable furture looks like in terms of family relationships, but I'm sadened that my kids lose in this situation. I can handle myself and I've done it before, but they're just kids caught in the crossfire.
What's funny is the night before we left to go on this trip I came across all the photos I took from my parent's house after that fight 7 years ago. I wanted at least a few photographs from my childhood because I didn't know if I would ever enter my parent's house again and I wanted them for my future children. I wanted to remember that even though things were bad at that moment, we had good memories and moments worth hanging on to.
I didn't have a bad childhood. I dealt with things I don't want my children to deal with, but I was always safe and fed and not needing for anything material. I can't change people. I can't change what's happened in my life up until now. All I can really do is keep doing my best and encouraging my kids to be good and kind people. That's not always easy. I'm not always the perfect example, but when things don't go exactly how I would like, I'm not throwing in the towel. We're going to wake up tomorrow, put our big girl pants on, and try again.